i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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