The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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