Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
