I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
