What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
