I think i peed on brittanys purse
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
