I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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