I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
