well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
