Barsexuality is the new black.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
