I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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