Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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