the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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