I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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