I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
