just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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