I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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