Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
