I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize