Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
