your room smells of hookers.
And success
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
