Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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