I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
