Already got asked if we're dating
Your face is a jimmy john
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
