I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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