Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
