sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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