I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
