So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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