Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
