I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
