i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
