just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
