For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
