I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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