Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
