then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
