I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
