I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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