He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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