I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
