he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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