i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
