I skipped work to stalk him.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
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