I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
