This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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