dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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