Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
