New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
