i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
