I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
