we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
