Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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