i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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