Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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