I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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