false alarm. still invincible.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
