I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
