omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
